This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
