Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
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