id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize