listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
