I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
His hands were made for my vagina.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
