Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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