So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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