I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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