So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
