Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize