Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
