That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Randomize
