just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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