I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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