I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
And then my night got REAL pukey
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
