I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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