does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
