You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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