Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize