I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
