The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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