Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
