I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Randomize
