Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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