just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
