Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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