you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
