Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
