I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
