You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
