Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
