I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Where did you get a picture of my penis
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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