Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
