yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
