Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize