Dude my mom stole all your condoms
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
