look no pants
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
