just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
