Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
