I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
someone threw a dead crab at me
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
