Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize