Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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