You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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