I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize