I like to think it a success when the cops are called
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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