Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
