I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
no, he came in my armpit
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
