I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
