I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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