I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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