I should be sponsored by Trojan
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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