Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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