My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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