I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
