Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
