maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
