just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
