yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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