Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
